


i just wanna feel alive and see your face again

by chasingflower



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Remembers, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, also how do you make up titles, beware: attack of the run on sentences, um im proud of this even if it is super short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 20:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11858790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingflower/pseuds/chasingflower
Summary: He opens his mouth. Slowly, sounds out the words with care, because he wants to do this right. Steve deserves that, deserves the world, and this is the only thing he can give him. “You’re right,” he says. And as nervous as he is, he can see Steve’s face light up with the presence of hope.And fuck, does Bucky’s heartache.





	i just wanna feel alive and see your face again

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone!! this takes place in bucky's "apartment" in the beginning of ca:cw. hope you like it!!! 
> 
> title from echo by jason walker

He’s protecting himself. “You’re Steve. I read about you in the museum.” He swallows and looks at Steve, daring him to tell him he’s wrong, that he’s fucking lying, that he remembers every _fucking_ thing –

“Buck, you know that’s not true,” he says softly, his hands holding one of his notebooks - the one with the museum map inside, _fuck_ –

He’s protecting himself.

He’s protecting _Steve_ , because at this moment, that’s all he remembers how to do.

++

In one universe, he blinks. Says coldly, cleanly, bluntly, “You’re wrong,” and he feels the pain deep in his bones, and God he doesn’t want to even glance at the heartbreak he knows is written on Steve’s face.

In another, he’s stopped before he can even open his mouth. The angry shouts of the police department are evident through the thin walls of his apartment, and he takes one look at Steve and they come to an agreement: to finish this later.

++

This isn’t either of them.

He opens his mouth. Slowly, sounds out the words with care, because he wants to do this right. Steve deserves that, deserves the world, and this is the only thing he can give him. “You’re right,” he says. And as nervous as he is, he can see Steve’s face light up with the presence of hope.

And fuck, does Bucky’s heart _ache_.

“I remember you. I remember Brooklyn, our apartment with the trick stair and the leaky sink.” He swallows and clenches his fist. “I remember everything that the Winter Soldier did – that I did. I remember their screams-,” he winces, and his voice catches in his throat.

“But I also remember the lazy summers, and you drawing everything that could move, and our cat,” he adds in a hurried tone, because he can’t stop talking. He has to explain himself, Steve needs to understand that he remembers.

He needs him to know the whole story before he turns and leaves him in the dark.

++

He could do it. It wouldn’t take long, not at all. A minute most.

But he can’t do it kindly, that’s the thing.

He only knows how to do it bluntly, to shout, “We’ve been together since 1932 and I remember everything that we ever did; I remember our first kiss and the first time we had sex and how we would lay in our stuffy apartment and kiss for hours because we could; I remember moving in, because you wanted your own place so fucking badly so I just moved in with you to get my ma off my back,” or to let off a litany of, “I love you I love you I love you I love you,” without bursting into tears.

He does know that his struggle stems from the fact that Steve completely and utterly deserves better than anything he can offer.

What he does end up saying is this: “I love you and I don’t think I’ve ever stopped,” and he wishes he didn’t have a sob lodged in his throat, but he figures that he needs to pick his battles. 


End file.
